7 things I learned from Crash Bandicoot
8th October 2019
Ah yes, here we all are, on our journey together around the sun! Life isn't always a cakewalk and sometimes advice can be helpful as we navigate through this crazy day-to-day gauntlet. I've picked up a fair share of things along the way from the classic Crash Bandicoot, and am happy to pass them along to you, lovely Levelhive readers!
For those that don't remember our furry friend in detail, Crash spun into our hearts late 1996 - a year that brought us some of the best from the Playstation 1 golden era: Tekken 2, Tomb Raider, and (for the brave) the very first Resident Evil. Even clocking in at over twenty (!) years old, most have stood the test of time - Crash Bandicoot being no exception.
Crash's world, filled with its wacky characters and levels, was always waiting for me after school. I couldn't wait to run away from giant boulders that would squash me, or go surfing on rocket boards through a gauntlet of exploding water mines! As an adult, I'm slightly better at keeping Crash out of trouble - but only slightly (good thing my love for video game characters isn't measured in extra lives!).
So without further ado, I present to you: 7 things I learned from Crash Bandicoot...
1. Eating Wumpas counts as your '5 A Day'
For all who don't know, eating five fruit or veg a day will keep those pesky doctors away (perhaps all except for Dr. Cortex, and Dr. N. Gin, and, uh... okay, okay! Bad example!)
Crash spends quite a bit of his time in a full-on sprint while rocking clown shoes, and it's hard to imagine that his infinite bandicoot stamina isn't being fueled by a delicious and nutritious diet.
A little aside on our delightful fruit friends: I looked up to see if there was any indication of what a Wumpa might taste like, and there was no description to be found. Is it an apple? A pear? Honestly, who knows! However, 'Wumpa' does sound a whole lot better than 'Papple'!
2. Good fashion never goes out of style
Sometimes fashion is timeless, other times...not so much.
Blue shorts, though? The colour blue isn't going out of style any time soon! Overalls are also a good shout, and protip: if you want to rock the extra cool look, unhook and leave one of the straps danglin' for some super meet-me-outside-the-7-11-after-school attitude.
Extra bonus points if the clothing you're rocking has been in your closet for 10+ years - we're in vintage territory now, baby!
3. Chasms are not your friend
Sure, bonus levels will dump you back into your main game (life?), but otherwise these Marianas Trench-sized cliffs will have your voice disappearing long before you hit the ground. Your rucksack of Wumpas? Kiss those and an extra life goodbye.
Stay well away from these rascally canyons of doom, they're nothing but trouble - and please don't go jumping over them if you've not got certified bandicoot legs! Keeping distance from anything that might make you go 'SPLAT' tends to be a very good idea.
4. Having a tiki guardian is a smart move
Magic is cool. I'm not talking about David Copperfield illusions - we're in on the real stuff here, and that's ancient tiki guardians.
If you manage to befriend one after freeing it from a crate, don't swat it away as it hovers above your head! That little guy is going to save you once, twice, or even three times from a really bad accident. Plus, forget the fancy Bluetooth speakers that kids these days walk around with - these floaty faces have all the soundtrack you'll need to get you pumped up!
5. Don't touch boxes that have 'NITRO' written on the side
Let's say you're walking down the street minding your own business when an awesome looking glowy green box comes into your vision. The word NITRO is on the side, like a tractor beamed marquee. Much like 'WET PAINT' signs, there's going to be something in you that wants to touch this ominous box, but bandicoots know better: unless you want to explode into a cloud of Wumpa mist, I'd stay well away from these bad boys.
Oh, and usually anything marked TNT ain't such a good idea to go messin' around with either.
6. Not all penguins are nice
We've all seen the cute, waddley things on TV and at the zoo. Little tube-shaped tuxedo birds that like to eat fish can't be all that bad, right?
Wrong! Beware of the penguins that spin attack their way toward you, sending you flying into next week. They might have giant eyes, but these flappy no-flighters will certainly slide at you with your demise in their sights!
There's scientific proof their cleverness in the animated documentary Madagascar - they're always plotting! Some are smarter than others of course, but always beware of that ringleader penguin - you never know if it'll grow up someday to become a supervillain that spends all its days giving Batman a hard time.
Also, beware of seals. Arctic animals, unless it's a baby polar bear, are not to be trusted.
7. Surround yourself with smart people
Are you a bit daft like me, with a brain made up of spaghetti noodles? Well, I have a great solution - and no, it's not that new-fangled book-learnin'!
Instead, find someone super smart to follow you on your ridiculous adventures! This works even better if it's a brother, or especially a sister. Smarter people are proven to have smaller hands for computing on laptops - something you probably can't do with big, floppy bandicoot mitts.
Make sure when you're checking their resume, that they include tiger-riding as a workplace skill. Trust me.
Top lessons and advice, I know. Eat your fruit, stay away from cliffs and don't trust penguins (well, be a little suspicious if they're super cute. You never know!). I hope this invaluable information will help you be a better bandicoo... er, human!